Medieval manners and etiquette: dos and don’ts of the Middle Ages
Danièle Cybulskie cracks open the medieval rulebook to reveal the top dos and don'ts of the Middle Ages. In conversation with Emily Briffett
There's a tendency today to view the medieval period as uncouth and uncivilised. How true is this perception?
We might make judgments that medieval people were uncouth or uncivilised. However, when you look at them in the context of their culture, you’ll discover that some of the rules they had surrounding how to be well-mannered were very similar to the ones we have today.
I think you should always be suspicious when people start to say a certain period was backwards or uncouth. Usually, you will find that people from history were much more similar to us than expected.
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How important were manners in the medieval period? Were they more important than they are today?
Yes, absolutely. And I would say that, in some ways, manners were even more important then. This is because of the social structures of the day; you have the nobility or aristocracy – people who really prided themselves on manners – ensuring they could dance, read poetry, and eat politely at the table.
If you wanted to join them and were in the lower ranks of society, no one would want to sit with you at the banquet or be seen with you if you didn't have any manners. They were a way to show that you were sophisticated, educated, and capable of mingling with the most important people around.
Who decided what defined good manners?
A lot of manners involved basic cleanliness and hygiene. Don’t blow your nose at the dinner table. Don’t leave an oil slick on top of the wine glass because you're sharing it with someone else. Nobody wants to be disgusting at the table. We can see this across the world, across cultures, and across time.
We should be wary of assuming that peasants had no manners
This is the baseline. Beyond this, there were people who were worried about the finer details, typically the upper classes. These were people who had more time to spend thinking about manners because they weren’t ploughing the fields etc.
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We should be wary of assuming that peasants had no manners, however more nuanced fashions – how to hold a spoon, for example – certainly came from the top down in the Middle Ages.
Were there particular rules that came in and out of fashion?
A lot of rules depended on the material objects that people could afford. When it came to the salt cellar, for example, its placement on the table was affected by whether it was a fancy salt cellar or just a communal dish.
One thing that wasn’t widespread at the time was forks. Not everyone was on board with forks, and they didn’t broaden in popularity until much later.
What would medieval people call us out for today?
They would probably call us out for using phones at the table. Eating was such a communal and social activity; it would be rude to not be looking your dining partner in the eye – or to touch your phone and then touch your food.
When it comes to eating, what were the biggest dos and don'ts?
The biggest do was to keep the communal plate clean. People at banquets, for example, might be sharing a plate and a cup with one other person, so these needed to stay clean.
Also, people actually had napkins and tablecloths at banquets, which we might not associate with the Middle Ages. So, there were rules such as not wiping your face on the tablecloth or your sleeve, and making sure that you wipe your face before you take a sip of wine.
There were other rules, too: you would want to keep your elbows off the table; you would want to make sure that you were taking small enough bites that you were not speaking with your mouth full; and you would give the best portions to your partner who was at the table and ensure that they were comfortable.
Were there any rituals around greeting and meeting?
If you were visiting someone’s house for food, the first thing to do would be to wash your hands. This is something that people don't necessarily expect if you're watching a medieval movie, as the stereotype is that medieval people were always dirty. But if you were visiting someone's house, they would offer you water to wash with. This makes a lot of sense because the outside world was dusty, especially if you were riding a horse or walking on a dirt road.
You shouldn’t show up to your host’s house on horseback
Once you’ve entered someone's house, you might find that it is well decorated just for you. It might have garlands up or tapestries or similar. It would have been seen as very polite to remark on this, to note whether they’ve been to a florist and created an elevated look with flowers.
Also, there are suggestions that we find in medieval books on manners. For example, that you shouldn’t show up to your host’s house on horseback.
When it came to specific manners, were there different expectations of men and women?
There were to a certain extent. Basic table manners – like being complimentary to your host – were for everybody.
But rules were generally stricter when it came to women, with books instructing them on how to comport themselves. Most of the time, this was about being calm and rational; so, not talking too loudly or too much, or even smiling too much. It was all about moderation and having a lot of control over your body.
There were more of these expectations of women for a few reasons. One of them is that women were meant expected to be more sinful, prone to gossip or lust. In a book titled Book of the Knight of the Tower, the author, Geoffroy IV de la Tour Landry, is very specific about women not talking too much, or being too forward. He even says not to turn your head or eyes too much, so, if you need to look across a room, then turn your whole body in a dainty fashion. The reason was that if you turned your head too much, then people would think you were flighty.
Danièle Cybulskie is the author of Chivalry and Courtesy: Medieval Manners for Modern Life (Abbeville Press, 2023). She was speaking on the HistoryExtra podcast. Listen to the full episode
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